Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Job Interviews = Stupid

The past few weeks have been super busy, mostly job hunting. In the time I’ve been here I applied to 3 Olive Gardens, 4 Starbucks, 2 Internships, a Greek Café, and 2 Temp Agencies, I had 6 Interviews in a week, and all of them were really similar.
I think I may have stumbled upon a new form of legal torture in the USA. It’s called the job interview. I used to think that auditions were pretty close to torture, but now I am 100% sure that it’s interviews. There is no possible way that people who are hiring for and running successful businesses can seriously be asking the types of questions that I was asked during these interviews! My brother says I give off a vibe of stupid when people first meet me, and this is the reason interviewers ask me stupid questions. (I was always told I gave off a vibe of jerk. Maybe I’m aging out of jerk to stupid?)

Here is a short rundown of how my average interview went:

Boss: Hi Brittany, So, I see you’ve worked mostly in Louisville, KY…is that…um…
Brittany: That’s where I’m from. I just moved to California.
Boss: Oh wow, so do you have family out here? Or you just moved out here?
Brittany: I just moved out here to pursue acting and writing.
Boss: Wow really? You moved all the way out here to California just to act? What made you do that?

This is the point that I realized that people in California have no idea that the Hollywood in Los Angeles is the same Hollywood that is in the movies. Every single job interviewer acted completely shocked that I would move to Los Angeles to try and become an actor or writer. Generally the following happened.

Boss: So, if you’re wanting to be an actor, it makes me worry that you would just quit this job if you found your dream gig.

Really? You’re worried that I might get the job of my dreams and quit this one? That’s crazy! Because I can’t think of one human on the planet that would quit working a minimum wage job at a Greek Café just because they were offered a job hanging out on a movie set with George Clooney. I mean I’m sure that your life-long dream was to be a fast food manager and NOTHING could make you quit this. Who doesn’t love sweating their butt off in pit of dish water and people’s half eaten food? Look Sir, I want to work here so much that I promise you, if all of my dreams came true, and I had the opportunity to live a life completely fulfilled, I would give it up, just so that you wouldn’t have to try to find another minion to cover my shift at your extremely important Greek Café. I mean, I know we just met, but I care that much about you and this job.

I didn’t ever say that, but I wanted to every time! After a couple of interviews I started to answer the questions like this

Boss: Why did you move to California?
Brittany: The weather! (Giggle) and I want to be a writer and there are more opportunities out here.
Boss: a writer? Doesn’t that take up a lot of time?
Brittany: Oh, no. I like to write a little bit each day in my spare time. Hopefully I’ll find an agent in the next three years and maybe I’ll be able to do something then.

Yes, I plan on working behind your cash register for the next three years. I can totally survive for that long on $8.00 an hour. I mean after working 2 hours I can almost buy 2 gallons of gas.

Boss: So, tell me about a time when you’ve had a conflict in the work place and how you resolved it.

If I truthfully answered this question, it would go something like this:
Well, I’m a chick and I’m kind of a jerk. So, if I think someone has a problem with me, I just start being as sarcastic as possible and eventually the truth will come out and I’ll deal with it then, if I deem it necessary. My inner female will play the part of passive aggressive and the jerk will take the role of sarcastic truth.

I really said,
I generally get along with everyone, but if I have a conflict I try to resolve it the person quickly. I hate tension at work.

 Then comes the best question of all!

Boss: Tell me your greatest weakness.

Honestly, I’m probably going to be late for work most of the time. Most people at work won’t like me at first, but they will warm up to me. I am going to offend at least 3 of your customers and make you feel stupid at least once.

Or I could say that my greatest weakness is actually strength. Then give some very vague statements about my feelings toward the extremely important workplace, because this is more than just a job for me. Serving food is my life and I always want to give 100% in my life!

After I played these sick mind games with the under educated and over forty, six times in one week, I was ready to quit and become one of the people who stand in front of the Chinese Theatre dressed like Sponge Bob and take pictures with kids for dollars. But, after 2 months of trying and almost 3 interviews, I was hired by a restaurant that I will call “The Black Olive” (Since using the real name could be bad for my job) I was also hired by a major chain coffee shop that I will call, “Central Perk” in honor of the show Friends and this company’s popularity in the late 90s. I will keep everyone updated with how, my awesome new jobs play out, and how my future “low maintenance writing career” progresses.
Until then,