5th Post

Ok so this post is super late, but in order to keep everyone in touch I have to go in chronological order. I had been working at The Black Olive for about a month when I realized I would rather gouge my eyes out than serve another “big bowl of salad” to 6 grumpy Mexicans. I was also having reoccurring nightmares about serving there.

Here is an examples of one of the dreams I had:

                I was at home with my entire family when Robert Redford and Robin (from Batman) storm the house, they shoot all of us repeatedly. I get shot 10 times. I can feel the bullets under my skin. I am bleeding profusely all over. Robert Redford is laughing and yelling and now catching my childhood home on fire. I ask him, “Why are you doing this?!” He just laughs and says, “I’ll get you, little girl!” Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see a clock. It’s 4:00pm! I have to go to work! So, I drag my bleeding body to The Black Olive, and I try to serve. It’s super loud in the restaurant tonight for some reason, and I can hardly hear what my tables are saying. They start getting super annoyed with me because they are having to repeat themselves. I finally hear them say, “We want a bottle of champagne!” Now, remember, I have been shot 10 times, and I’m still working. No one is bothered by the bleeding, they only care that they are having to repeat themselves.

                I ring in the champagne, and bring the bottle to the table. Then I try to open it. My hands are bleeding and weak from the bullets. I can’t get the bottle open. The table is super annoyed. I almost get it open when someone runs inside and yells, “Does anyone have a red Toyota Carolla? It’s on fire in the parking lot!”

                I have a red Toyota Carolla. I run out to the parking lot and there is Robert Redford, with a torch, burning my car and laughing. I fall to the ground crying, “WHY!!!!!” When I woke up I realized I needed another job. That was just one of many stress dreams regarding The Black Olive.

So I started looking for another job. I had been hired at Central Perk, but training took so long to schedule that I had been working there for 2 weeks when I got a job offer from a giant entertainment company that has ruled my life since childhood. We will call this company “Mouse Works Inc.”

I was hired to work at one of their theatres in Hollywood. They have all of their premiers there, and  I will be working in an attraction behind the theatre. Sort of a mini version of a theme park, and if you didn’t know, this company is kind of known for their theme parks. I’m super pumped, and I’m very sure that this experience will offer plenty of material to blog about. Any customer service job does.

  

SIDE NOTE:  there is a lady who lives across the street from me. I thought she was a nun in training, because she was dressed like a nun in training, but then I realized she just lives in a house and not in a Sound of Music Abby. About an hour after I discovered her, I saw her, in her nun in training outfit, skateboarding down the street.(on one of those long board things that you have to pump using your feet). I’m still unsure of her religious occupation. I am sure that she is pretty cool. 

I AM (blog post) NUMBER 4: Short and sweet, but vital information.

For those of you visiting California, or for those who haven’t been in California since February 2011, you may find something very unsettling every time you buy anything to eat…or enter a building….or buy clothes….or shoes….or a car….or pretty much anything. In California, there is a certain thing called Proposition 65. It has nothing to do with gay marriage, so if you vote against it, there really isn’t anything to fight with your family about at Thanksgiving.

                Proposition 65, was born in 1986, just like me, and it requires businesses to post a notice if there are any chemicals known to cause cancer present. There are 800 chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer. Kentucky doesn’t know anything about these chemicals. Kentucky hasn’t even found out about tobacco yet (shhhh don’t tell).

800, is a lot of chemicals. Therefore, these signs are everywhere! Like on your shoes, on your car, on your apartment building, and since February 2011, at your local Starbucks. Now, since I work at the green logoed “Central Perk” I have recently been confronted about our cancer causing coffee (what great alliteration!!!).

The warning looks horrible, and basically says that something in this place causes cancer, and they put it right on the condiment bar. So, as soon as you buy your coffee, and start to put sugar and cream in it, and get ready for that first sip, you brace yourself, and read about how you’re going to die or have to pay for chemo, and cause your family tears and gnashing of teeth (And you thought paying $4.05 for a latte was bad).  So people flip out and bring their coffee back to me, with a look of “Take this cancer out of it! I didn’t order that!” and then they ask if our tea has, “All those chemicals in it too?” I have to tell them that those signs are everywhere and we are the only place dumb enough to put it out in a very visible spot. I’ve done some research and found out that the sign is because when you cook certain things past a certain temperature, they naturally create a chemical that some Sweedes back in 2002, discovered caused cancer in lab rats. So, roasted coffee beans could….haven’t…but could cause cancer in a lab rat.

                So, there you have it, people who don’t live in California. There are things, almost as bad as the stupid people in LA, they are these signs about how all the chemicals in the world are going to kill you.

                Another stupid California thing, is that LA needs subways. There is no parking in most of the city, there is way too much traffic and pollution, and the place is way too crowded. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are subways, but there aren’t enough subways stops for people to get to where they need to go. I take the subway, but I have to drive to the station, and park my car there….yeah, that kind of defeats the purpose of taking the subway, but it saves me money on having to park in Hollywood.

                So to summarize: Cancer warning signs and driving to the train stop, are dumb. Get it together LA.

The Third Post

                I am pretty sure that LA would be one of the greatest cities on the planet if we could just remove all of the people. Really 90% of LA’s problems are caused by the people that live there. Traffic, pollution, high gas prices, snobs, crime, no people in LA would result in a lovely, clean, palm tree lined city with mountains, beaches, no bad weather, and every kind of tiny food/clothing boutique you can imagine. New York has snow, Seattle has rain, Chicago has wind, Florida has humidity, nothing is going on in Texas, LA is the only city I can think of that is perfectly located in a really nice spot with nothing natural holding it back. (I don’t consider people to be natural)

 I do however, think it would be OK to keep Ryan Seacrest, he really is the heart of LA.

                Since I have found that LA’s major fault is its population, I am going to dedicate this post to discussing the consistently astonishing People of LA.

                I will start with my regular hang out, the TGIFridays in Valencia. Now, I know what you’re thinking, TGIFRidays?!!? That’s not LA, and it’s in Valencia! That’s not LA either! But trust me people, TGIFridays offers so much to this blog post, and it’s only barely not in LA.

                Last week, I was at Karaoke night and Fridays and I met some very interesting people. I will discuss the top three most interesting people.

                The DJ: She has the most intense mullet/bowl cut I have ever seen. It’s like a bleach blonde business on the top party on the bottom, if you can even imagine that. She also has tourettes. However, instead of yelling curses, she screams “Young Man!” She is the greatest!

                The girl who’s way too into it: She is also a highlight of my night. She only sings 80’s power ballads, she walks the room. She laughs at the DJ and audience (the people eating near here) as if they are in the middle of a conversation, and they are sharing an inside joke. She has this amazing pose that she strikes when holding out a note, it involves her bending her elbows in a way that makes her look really strong. I can’t describe it properly, but it’s epic. She is one of the worst singers I’ve ever heard.  

                The Super Star: He looks like he’s observing the room as an artist, but not as a good artist. He is the guy who after observing everyone in the room, announces to the room that he is an artist and he has been observing them. Then he waits around for people to ask him what he has observed. He thinks he is still in theatre class. So, after observing me sing Suerte by Shakira in Spanish, he approaches and says to me:

 “I’m kind of a heavy weight in the Valley, and I don’t usually come out to karaoke at Friday’s but I decided to give it a chance, and it’s pretty cool tonight. I really like what you did there. I’m going to do that sometime too.  Ya know,  just follow the teleprompter. It’s was really great.”

               

What I wanted to say was:  Um, yeah so I paid around $100,000 to go to college to learn how to do that. You can’t just follow a teleprompter and sing like Shakira, ya schmuck!

               

What I really said was a compilation of these sounds: “Oh? A huh, yeah… ha (that ha a was very agreeable ha).” He liked that response and went away to the very enthusiastic karaoke girl, who that night, was wearing some type of anti-bellum, cowgirl shirt thing.

That’s not the only really stupid thing that I have heard here. I recently was discussing how old I was with a co-worker at “The Black Olive” and mentioned that women can start losing bone mass at age 25.

She responds with, “What’s that?”

She must have not heard me. I repeat, “Bone mass.”

- “Yeah what’s bone mass?”

- “The mass of your bones.”

                -“What’s mass?”

What I wanted to say was: “Are you kidding me? How have you made it to your 20s without ever having come in contact with the word mass? #1 How did you make it through school, and #2 What have you been talking about for the past 20 years where the word mass didn’t ever happen? Can’t you even guess at what that means? When I say you’re losing bone mass, what does it sound like mass means? Does it mean, Puppy? Fruit? Balloons? Maybe it has something to do the size or strength or even density (I know you don’t know that word) of a bone.”

What I really said was: “Oh, it’s just like, how much bone you have” and I walked away.

The amount of stupid I have encountered here is mind blowing. I have worked an entire shift at “Central Perk“ with people who did not understand questions unless they were phrased in a certain way.

For example: Hey, Jim Bob, I’m running out of vanilla syrup, is not appropriate. “Excuse me Jim Bob, could you please go to the back and get me some vanilla syrup?”  Is the right way.

I wanted to follow that up with: I know that if I said it to you any other way, you are so stupid that you would think I was just sharing the syrup situation with you. I like to keep you included in all aspects of syrup here, as do all the other Baristas. I can see how the wording of the question would be very confusing to someone who often retrieves syrup for people on an hourly basis.

I just laughed it off and thought, “Oh, my LA, you are turning into a pretty funny blog!”

Job Interviews = Stupid

The past few weeks have been super busy, mostly job hunting. In the time I’ve been here I applied to 3 Olive Gardens, 4 Starbucks, 2 Internships, a Greek Café, and 2 Temp Agencies, I had 6 Interviews in a week, and all of them were really similar.

I think I may have stumbled upon a new form of legal torture in the USA. It’s called the job interview. I used to think that auditions were pretty close to torture, but now I am 100% sure that it’s interviews. There is no possible way that people who are hiring for and running successful businesses can seriously be asking the types of questions that I was asked during these interviews! My brother says I give off a vibe of stupid when people first meet me, and this is the reason interviewers ask me stupid questions. (I was always told I gave off a vibe of jerk. Maybe I’m aging out of jerk to stupid?)

Here is a short rundown of how my average interview went:

Boss: Hi Brittany, So, I see you’ve worked mostly in Louisville, KY…is that…um…

Brittany: That’s where I’m from. I just moved to California.

Boss: Oh wow, so do you have family out here? Or you just moved out here?

Brittany: I just moved out here to pursue acting and writing.

Boss: Wow really? You moved all the way out here to California just to act? What made you do that?

This is the point that I realized that people in California have no idea that the Hollywood in Los Angeles is the same Hollywood that is in the movies. Every single job interviewer acted completely shocked that I would move to Los Angeles to try and become an actor or writer. Generally the following happened.

Boss: So, if you’re wanting to be an actor, it makes me worry that you would just quit this job if you found your dream gig.

Really? You’re worried that I might get the job of my dreams and quit this one? That’s crazy! Because I can’t think of one human on the planet that would quit working a minimum wage job at a Greek Café just because they were offered a job hanging out on a movie set with George Clooney. I mean I’m sure that your life-long dream was to be a fast food manager and NOTHING could make you quit this. Who doesn’t love sweating their butt off in pit of dish water and people’s half eaten food? Look Sir, I want to work here so much that I promise you, if all of my dreams came true, and I had the opportunity to live a life completely fulfilled, I would give it up, just so that you wouldn’t have to try to find another minion to cover my shift at your extremely important Greek Café. I mean, I know we just met, but I care that much about you and this job.

I didn’t ever say that, but I wanted to every time! After a couple of interviews I started to answer the questions like this

Boss: Why did you move to California?

Brittany: The weather! (Giggle) and I want to be a writer and there are more opportunities out here.

Boss: a writer? Doesn’t that take up a lot of time?

Brittany: Oh, no. I like to write a little bit each day in my spare time. Hopefully I’ll find an agent in the next three years and maybe I’ll be able to do something then.

Yes, I plan on working behind your cash register for the next three years. I can totally survive for that long on $8.00 an hour. I mean after working 2 hours I can almost buy 2 gallons of gas.

Boss: So, tell me about a time when you’ve had a conflict in the work place and how you resolved it.

If I truthfully answered this question, it would go something like this:

Well, I’m a chick and I’m kind of a jerk. So, if I think someone has a problem with me, I just start being as sarcastic as possible and eventually the truth will come out and I’ll deal with it then, if I deem it necessary. My inner female will play the part of passive aggressive and the jerk will take the role of sarcastic truth.

I really said,

I generally get along with everyone, but if I have a conflict I try to resolve it the person quickly. I hate tension at work.

 Then comes the best question of all!

Boss: Tell me your greatest weakness.

Honestly, I’m probably going to be late for work most of the time. Most people at work won’t like me at first, but they will warm up to me. I am going to offend at least 3 of your customers and make you feel stupid at least once.

Or I could say that my greatest weakness is actually strength. Then give some very vague statements about my feelings toward the extremely important workplace, because this is more than just a job for me. Serving food is my life and I always want to give 100% in my life!

After I played these sick mind games with the under educated and over forty, six times in one week, I was ready to quit and become one of the people who stand in front of the Chinese Theatre dressed like Sponge Bob and take pictures with kids for dollars. But, after 2 months of trying and almost 3 interviews, I was hired by a restaurant that I will call “The Black Olive” (Since using the real name could be bad for my job) I was also hired by a major chain coffee shop that I will call, “Central Perk” in honor of the show Friends and this company’s popularity in the late 90s. I will keep everyone updated with how, my awesome new jobs play out, and how my future “low maintenance writing career” progresses.

Until then,

Adios

Introducing: Me! My first week, the SWAT Team and Tourrets.

Hello!
I am one of many LA Newbies. I've moved to this fine city to follow my dreams of being a star or at least working in the entertainment industry. I've decided to start this blog to keep friends and family (and the occasional reader who has followed a very long rabbit trail after a Google search) aware of the goings on in my life.
I've been in LA for a little over a week and have realized there are quite a few things to get used to.

Paying for Parking: Unless you are at the airport or a major event, it never happens in Kentucky. It always happens in LA. Get used to it.
Being Unemployed: It is really uncool in Kentucky to be unemployed. It's pretty average here. So is being homeless. Get used to it.
Traffic: Only during rush hour in Kentucky in designated spots. From 6:30-10 and from 3-7. No amount of yelling will make it stop. Get used to it.

Other than that. Life has been pretty great. It's mostly been sunny, but one time, I thought it rained because the sidewalks were wet, but then I realized that it was raining the same time everyday and only the sidewalks were wet. It was the sprinklers.
My first Sunday night here, roommate Jeff and I went over to our friend’s house and we couldn't get back home because there was a shoot out in front of our apartment. Wait, did I forget to mention that THERE WAS A SHOOT OUT IN FRONT OF OUR APARTMENT!!!!! Because there was one!

Let me elaborate.
-11:30 PM: I’m driving home (not using the GPS because I’m getting that good with my navigation skills) and my street is blocked off. So, I circle the block to come in on the other side. My street is blocked off this way too. So, I have no idea how to get home. I pull up to the blockade and say to the cop, “I live on this street. I need to get home.  He responds with, “There is a shoot out in progress. I can’t let you do that.” Well, ok then. At this time, I notice the helicopter with the spot light circling my block. Jeff and I wait at a restaurant called Tommy’s that serves hamburgers with chili on them, and I start texting Victoria who is in our apartment, which is apparently located on the OK corral!

-12:00 AM: The restaurant closed and Jeff and I decide to wait it out in the parking lot of a 7 eleven at the end of our block.   

- 12:30 AM: the helicopter leaves, and Jeff and I become hopeful. 

- 1:30 AM The cops decide to get coffee at the 7 eleven, and I ask them to give me a time frame. They have no idea what a time frame is.

- 2:00 AM: the cops approach my car, and say to me words that inspired me to blog. Words that I never thought I would hear, and words that I hope I never hear again. They say, “Ma’am, we’re sending in the SWAT TEAM to evacuate the apartment s on the street, so it’s going to be another 4 hours or so. You should make plans to stay somewhere else tonight.”  I have been in LA for one week and already I have a run in with the cops, a shootout, and the SWAT team is involved!

                Jeff and I drive out to my friend’s house (who lives 30 mins away) and stay the night there. I still have no idea what happened with the shooting, and haven’t been able to find anything about it on the news. Creepy 

                Two days later, I hang out with my friend Candice whom I haven’t seen in almost 10 years! We had a blast. We had dinner at TGI Friday’s and then stayed pretty late for their Tuesday night Karaoke. I then encounter DJ Debbi. Debbi is in her late 50’s. She has bleached blonde hair. She has the top half shaved about two inches long, and the rest is past her shoulders. She, essentially, has a reverse bowl cut. She also has turrets. She will randomly yell, “Young man!” in a high pitched voice over the microphone. Karaoke was awesome!

                This blog is getting long, so I’m going to end it. There has been so much great stuff that’s happened in LA so far. I've actually had some cool acting things look like they may happen. I've been hunting for jobs, because even though unemployment is cool, I just can't do it. I have some pretty cool roommates, and I've been having reoccurring nightmares about Robert Redford, but those are for the next one. Oh, and there is a homeless man in the living room, sleeping on my couch. True Story! I’ll let you know how that works out!