I am pretty sure that LA would be one of the greatest cities on the planet if we could just remove all of the people. Really 90% of LA’s problems are caused by the people that live there. Traffic, pollution, high gas prices, snobs, crime, no people in LA would result in a lovely, clean, palm tree lined city with mountains, beaches, no bad weather, and every kind of tiny food/clothing boutique you can imagine. New York has snow, Seattle has rain, Chicago has wind, Florida has humidity, nothing is going on in Texas, LA is the only city I can think of that is perfectly located in a really nice spot with nothing natural holding it back. (I don’t consider people to be natural)
I do however, think it would be OK to keep Ryan Seacrest, he really is the heart of LA.
Since I have found that LA’s major fault is its population, I am going to dedicate this post to discussing the consistently astonishing People of LA.
I will start with my regular hang out, the TGIFridays in Valencia. Now, I know what you’re thinking, TGIFRidays?!!? That’s not LA, and it’s in Valencia! That’s not LA either! But trust me people, TGIFridays offers so much to this blog post, and it’s only barely not in LA.
Last week, I was at Karaoke night and Fridays and I met some very interesting people. I will discuss the top three most interesting people.
The DJ: She has the most intense mullet/bowl cut I have ever seen. It’s like a bleach blonde business on the top party on the bottom, if you can even imagine that. She also has tourettes. However, instead of yelling curses, she screams “Young Man!” She is the greatest!
The girl who’s way too into it: She is also a highlight of my night. She only sings 80’s power ballads, she walks the room. She laughs at the DJ and audience (the people eating near here) as if they are in the middle of a conversation, and they are sharing an inside joke. She has this amazing pose that she strikes when holding out a note, it involves her bending her elbows in a way that makes her look really strong. I can’t describe it properly, but it’s epic. She is one of the worst singers I’ve ever heard.
The Super Star: He looks like he’s observing the room as an artist, but not as a good artist. He is the guy who after observing everyone in the room, announces to the room that he is an artist and he has been observing them. Then he waits around for people to ask him what he has observed. He thinks he is still in theatre class. So, after observing me sing Suerte by Shakira in Spanish, he approaches and says to me:
“I’m kind of a heavy weight in the Valley, and I don’t usually come out to karaoke at Friday’s but I decided to give it a chance, and it’s pretty cool tonight. I really like what you did there. I’m going to do that sometime too. Ya know, just follow the teleprompter. It’s was really great.”
What I wanted to say was: Um, yeah so I paid around $100,000 to go to college to learn how to do that. You can’t just follow a teleprompter and sing like Shakira, ya schmuck!
What I really said was a compilation of these sounds: “Oh? A huh, yeah… ha (that ha a was very agreeable ha).” He liked that response and went away to the very enthusiastic karaoke girl, who that night, was wearing some type of anti-bellum, cowgirl shirt thing.
That’s not the only really stupid thing that I have heard here. I recently was discussing how old I was with a co-worker at “The Black Olive” and mentioned that women can start losing bone mass at age 25.
She responds with, “What’s that?”
She must have not heard me. I repeat, “Bone mass.”
- “Yeah what’s bone mass?”
- “The mass of your bones.”
-“What’s mass?”
What I wanted to say was: “Are you kidding me? How have you made it to your 20s without ever having come in contact with the word mass? #1 How did you make it through school, and #2 What have you been talking about for the past 20 years where the word mass didn’t ever happen? Can’t you even guess at what that means? When I say you’re losing bone mass, what does it sound like mass means? Does it mean, Puppy? Fruit? Balloons? Maybe it has something to do the size or strength or even density (I know you don’t know that word) of a bone.”
What I really said was: “Oh, it’s just like, how much bone you have” and I walked away.
The amount of stupid I have encountered here is mind blowing. I have worked an entire shift at “Central Perk“ with people who did not understand questions unless they were phrased in a certain way.
For example: Hey, Jim Bob, I’m running out of vanilla syrup, is not appropriate. “Excuse me Jim Bob, could you please go to the back and get me some vanilla syrup?” Is the right way.
I wanted to follow that up with: I know that if I said it to you any other way, you are so stupid that you would think I was just sharing the syrup situation with you. I like to keep you included in all aspects of syrup here, as do all the other Baristas. I can see how the wording of the question would be very confusing to someone who often retrieves syrup for people on an hourly basis.
I just laughed it off and thought, “Oh, my LA, you are turning into a pretty funny blog!”
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